Strange Days For This Knight

I am half a century old, well actually a few years older to be exact. And in that time, I've experienced my share of of joy and sadness, successes and failures, and made more than a few friends and enemies. Thankfully way more friends than enemies; enemies may be a bit harsh, probably more likely people who just don't like being around me. And I've done it all from my home state of Oklahoma.

I've been a follower of Jesus for more than half of my life time. I wish I could say all of my life, but I came to the Lord later in years. One of the things I'm most proud of is my children have known and walked with Jesus all of their lives, and they did not have to experience or go through some of the stupid things I did. They've had challenges of their own, but not to the degree I had at their age. 

In all this time following Jesus, I've never once questioned Him in regards as to whether or not He knew what He was doing, even in the darkest hour of my life when I lost my youngest son to suicide. But for the past several months I must admit I've been in a bit of a funk when it comes to the things of God. This is not to say I don't believe in Him any more, I do, and this will never change, it's just I find myself in a very strange place these days.

My wife described it once as wanting the Lord not to leave her, but also not get too close either. You know, just stay at arm's length.This is what I've been feeling too, and  it's a weird place, on the one hand I want my Father to pull me into a loving embrace, let me know I am safe and all will be well in my world, but then at the same time I want to flail my arms and scream and run away. 

It's such a weird sensation too, one I've never experienced before. I'm usually the guy with all the answers, but lately my mind has been a cloud of confusion. And before you say it, I know where confusion comes from, I just don't seem to have the easy answer of how to get out of it this time. It's easy to have the answers for other people when you're on the outside looking in, but when it's your head in a fog, then it becomes a different story. Oh, I know the answers are still the same, but it seems to be more difficult to actually put them into play for yourself. Wow, that sounds hypocritical doesn't it? 

And to top it off, it's not as if I've got a bad or rough life either. I've got it good. I've got a family who loves me, a good job, and friends; really good friends. I just don't know what's going on here. Maybe the answer is I've taken on the care of this world more than I should. Jesus said in the Matthew 6:19-34 for us not to worry about the things we need. He talked about lilies and birds and how much more God cares about us than them. Maybe this is where I've been, too concerned with the needs of the day, and less about the Kingdom of God. After all verse 33 says to seek the Kingdom of God and His righteousness above all else, and He will give us everything we have need of.

Maybe herein lies the answer. Perhaps I've been looking more at what's going on around me, and less focusing on the Kingdom of God and living in the righteousness Jesus purchased for me. If this is the case, then when something shows up and tries to take my focus off of the Kingdom of God, what should I do? Put the focus of whatever this distraction is back onto the promises found in the Bible. For instance, if my bank account is saying I've got no money, the truth is because I'm a tither, God will supply all of my needs, wants, desires and dreams according to His riches in Glory by Christ Jesus. And if my body doesn't feel like it should, the promise is by the stripes Jesus took on His back, I am healed, and so on.

I still feel as if my head is in a fog this morning, but I do believe I may be on the right track as to getting it out and continuing this walk in the victory Jesus won for me through His death, burial and resurrection. Sometimes all it takes is for me to write what I'm feeling in order to get a little direction in my life. Strength and honor for the Kingdom and the King!