The day my son died is somewhat of a blur. I remember vividly some things, and others all kind of whirl past me. As I was thinking of how to start this morning, I saw my journal and looked into it for what I'd written on April 6, 2010. So let me start with what I wrote the night Noah died.
"Today has been the worst and hardest day I've ever had to endure. My son is dead. Part of me feels dead inside. I'm being strong for the family but there are times where the tears flow.
I'm mad that he felt things were so bad that he needed to do this. I wish he would have talked to me or his mom. He was so stubborn; a trait that worked for him when he witnessed to people about the love of Jesus.
I hate this! I absolutely hate this! My son should be here with us, he should not be dead! I wish I would have done something - anything!
Father - I need You now more than ever. I need Your comfort and Your guidance. Help me to be strong for my family. Help me please to not stray far from Your side in this horrible time. Show me where to make changes and how to do what You would have me to do. Comfort my family and bring us peace. Jesus, hold us close to Your side. Teach us what we need to know to walk this out, in Jesus name."
As I chronicle the events of April 6th and those to follow, I realize I am bound to forget some of the things which happened, and some of the people who came to visit us in our time of need. I will say this, I have never witnessed the love of God through people in the way I did in the days following Noah's death. And please understand I am writing this with kind of an overview of the events and how I was feeling at the time, and I know I will inadvertently overlook someone who did a kindness to me and my family, and for that I would like to apologize up front. It is not my intention to leave anyone out, so if I do please do not take it personal.
After a few hours I found myself standing next to my kid's trampoline, one of Noah's favorite things. As I stood there alone for a minute, I began speaking to the Lord. I remember telling Him, "I know You didn't do this. I know it is the thief who comes to steal, kill and destroy, not You Jesus. I realize this for the attack on my family that it is. I know we are in a love story set in a world at war, and even though You've won the victory, we still have battles to fight. We've taken a hit Lord, that much is true, but I promise this will not stop us from doing what You've called us to do. No matter how hard this is, and it's tough, we will endure and continue what we're supposed to do as a family. This will not destroy us!"
I thank God for a little book written by John Eldredge call "Epic". In it he does a masterful job of explaining the Story God is telling and our place in it. I am eternally grateful to John for writing this book, and truthfully it really helped me be able to realize what exactly was going on at the time. I would recommend you get a copy of this book and read it today, it really is a great tool.
Going back over to my family, I told them this was not going to destroy us, how we would fight through it and continue to do what God has called us to do. I explained to them we were going to just breathe, take a step forward and then breathe again. We would do this together as a family one step at a time, which is not to say it has been easy, it hasn't, but we've done it.
At one point in the evening, after there were many people in our home, my friend Terry went with me to the shoe store so I could shut it down for the day. Since I had run out so fast earlier the lights were still on. When we arrived, I picked up the telephone receiver and went to the back to place it on the base and saw the light flashing indicating I had received a message. Out of habit, I pressed the button to hear the message, and was shocked to hear who the caller was and his message.
As I listened to the words of comfort and prayers offered, tears came into my eyes. The caller was a man named Craig McConnell, who is one of the members of Ransomed Heart Ministries started by John Eldredge. I had contacted a friend at Ransomed Heart earlier in the evening, telling them what had happened and asking them to pray for my family. I was already a fan of the ministry, but Craig's phone call cemented in my heart forever how truly incredible the people at Ransomed Heart are. I have always loved Craig's blogs, here is a link to them, and I would highly recommend you read them. http://ransomedheart.com/blogs/craig/father-bride
As I crawled into bed that first night, I lay there with tears in my eyes looking at the pictures of Noah on my phone, saying, "Why Noah, why?" over and over. Questions swirled around in my head of the whys and what was to come now. I remember how viciously my body shook as the tears fell from my eyes, and sobs came from somewhere deep within me. I determined I would be strong in the coming days for my family, but that first night I gave myself over to grief, and allowed it to begin its work. Eventually my grief gave way to sleep and I closed the chapter on this first new day in my family's life.
Strength and honor for the Kingdom and the King!
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