Don't Discipline Your Kids Just Because You Are Embarrassed

"Spare the rod, spoil the child." As the old saying goes, but what does that exactly mean? And is it something that we should be doing in today's society? This topic has been so misunderstood, and misused it is not even funny. It's kind of like the old joke I heard about a very devout Christian mother who would wake her children every day by taking a wooden paddle to their backsides as they lay in the bed sleeping. The kids would cry out, "Mom! Why do you spank us every morning?" Her reply was always the same, "Proverbs 22:15 says foolishness is bound up in the heart of the child, and the rod of correction will drive it far from him. I'm driving the foolishness out of you."

Now why that is some what humorous, or disturbing depending on how you were disciplined as a child. This one area has been attacked in our modern era and we are now reaping a harvest of poor citizens because of it. Children can be a handful that much is true. And being in the retail environment, I have seen just about every type of kid you can imagine. And let me say right here and now, there are no bad children. There are children that have never been corrected or trained which causes them to act out a certain way, which most of the time makes people cringe, but the kids themselves are not inherently bad.

What we really have is a parenting problem, not a kid problem. Just today, I had a rather attractive mother with two kids come into my store and begin to shop around to see what they could see. The little boy, about two years old I'd say was getting into all types of stuff, something typical for this age child to do. He reached for a package of shoe laces that are on a little counter I have and almost knocked it over and spilled all the laces onto the ground. Notice I said, "almost".

What happened next is why I decided to write this blog. Her voice rose in pitch as she began to scream at him and say to him, "Come on we've got to get out of this store before you tear it down!" "Hold my hands, both of you, stop that, don't touch that, quit it!" And they were gone.

The sad thing about this scene is that the children didn't walk away from this encounter having learned something that will make them better people. The little boy may grow up and have a phobia about shoelaces, but he didn't learn to control himself, because his mother didn't control herself. This really wasn't a spanking offense, and the real reason that mommy got so mad is because the little boy had embarrassed her in the store. And embarrassment is never a reason to discipline your child in any fashion.

We used wooden spoons on our kids when they were little. We would tell them no, then if they continued doing whatever we had told them no about, we would very calmly say, "No." again, and then spat their behind with the wooden spoon. That is until they got big enough that we would break the spoon, then we moved on to a wooden paddle. On a side note, here's a funny story about wooden spoons. Every year for Christmas since Cheryl and I have been married, my mom has always made her a mother-in-law box. This is something that was started by my Grandmother, and she gave to my mom.

Through out the year, my mom collects little knick knacks that she thinks Cheryl will like, and puts them into a box. On Christmas day, Cheryl opens the box and goes through all the things in it. This is one of the highlights of Christmas, especially since my mom started hiding cash in the various packages inside the box. Well one year, Cheryl pulled out a package of wooden spoons, and exclaimed, "Wooden spoons, great! I have broken all of mine on the kids, and I need new ones!" My mom grabbed the package and took it away from her saying, "Not on my grand babies!" We all had a laugh, and Cheryl promised to not use them on the kids. That's when we switched over to a wooden paddle.

The thing about paddling your children that you need to know is that you don't spank when you are angry or embarrassed. Spanking your children is a disciplining technique you use to modify the behavior of your child. So before you spank, your kids should know the rules about what they may get spanked for. For instance, if your child spills milk at the breakfast table, this is not a punishable offence. If, however your child throws the glass of milk across the room, then that is.

Before you spank your child, make sure that you are in control of yourself and calm. Take them aside, and talk to them about what they've done. Ask them to repeat to you what they did wrong. After you are sure that they understand, then turn them over your knee and paddle their bottoms with two to three swats. These need to be hard enough to make an impression, but not so hard to bruise. Also, it is good to know what the laws are in your state concerning paddling. In Oklahoma, it is okay as long as you don't bruise the child, bruising your children is a misdemeanor.

Remember, you are wanting to change the behavior, not the spirit of your child. Don't crush their little hearts by blasting away at them. They don't know a lot yet, and we as their parents are supposed to be teaching them the right ways. Also, never use your hands to spank your children. Our hands were made to hold and to love our kids, not to hit them. Using a paddle makes your son or daughter fear the rod, not you. Also, after you have finished spanking them, let them cry for a minute or two, it won't hurt them. Then afterwards, pray with them and help them learn how to ask God to forgive them according to 1 John 1:9, then be sure they know that you have forgiven them too. Then love on them and go about your day.

There is a lot to parenting, but you can do it as long as you stay calm and remember that our jobs as parents is to help train up the next generation to be the best they can be. You can do this!

Discipline and Children

Last night while at church, I was talking with a friend that was in from out of town when I noticed that she was carrying a freshly made wooden paddle. I asked her if a man in my church had made that for her, and she said, "Yes he did."

My bride and I are no strangers to the wooden paddle, we've actually owned somewhere in the neighborhood of six to ten of them over the years. We've owned that many because I'm pretty sure that my son Noah had thrown a lot of them in the trash when we weren't looking. We did finally get smart and start keeping the paddle up high where our kids couldn't reach them.

I will say that for us, we believe in the use of corporal punishment as a way of training children. We do not believe in abusing children, and while I won't say we never disciplined our children when we were angry, we did our very best when we had to spank them to always do so in a loving and controlled manner.

I know that there are those who say that if you spank your children, you will only teach them that hitting is okay. And I would agree with that assessment to a certain degree, let me explain. If you are spanking your child without some ground rules, then you may very well be causing more harm than good. Let's take a look at some of the basic points in disciplining your child with a paddle, then we will break each of them down specifically.

1. Never spank your child for an offense that you haven't first explained to them.
2. Never spank your child when you are angry.
3. Never spank your child using your hand. (Hands are made for holding and loving your child, not hitting.)
4. Never spank your child and then just walk away. Always love on them afterwards.

Let me explain number 1, your house should have a set of rules that your children obey. They need to be age specific, that is don't make them too hard for your kids to understand, keep them simple. Things like, obey instantly, don't fight with your brothers or sisters and respect your parents. Explain these things to your kids, and tell them what the consequences are if they don't. Then the first time that they break one of the rules, sit them down and explain to them once more, making them repeat back to you what the rule is.

After that, when they break the rules, you talk to them, explaining what they've done wrong and have them repeat back to you what they did wrong (So that you know that they understand.) and then you give them a couple of swats on their butt (This is where the discipline should happen, not their face, arms, legs or anywhere else, just their butt.)

Now, for number 2, you should never discipline your child while you're angry. I know that from time to time it will happen, but you should do everything in your power to remain calm while you are doling out their punishment. It's not easy, but it can be done. If you need to take a minute and calm yourself down, do that, then proceed with the punishment. Remember, the reason you are punishing your child is to help them learn to replace the bad behavior with the good. And this won't happen if you are angry.

Number 3, never ever spank your children with your hands. In our home, we taught our kids to fear the paddle, not their parents. We love our children, as I'm sure that you love yours. We wanted to keep the relationship, (And parenting is all about relationships.) and not have our children fearing us. I have seen too many children recoil when their parents reach out for them with outstretched arms, and that is never good. Always remember we are to love our kids, and part of that comes from disciplining them, but in the right way.

Having the correct tool will help in this too. I don't like belts, switches or anything like that, what we used was a half inch thick, twelve inch long solid wooden paddle to get the point across to our children, and it works. I mentioned this before, but it bears mentioning again, when you are paddling your child, do so on their butt. That is the one area that God made us able to take this form of punishment. Also, when you are administering the spanking, do so that it leaves an impression but not a bruise. If you are bruising your children, then you are doing it incorrectly. In the state of Oklahoma (Where I live.) it is actually a misdemeanor offense to leave a bruise.

And number 4; once you've talked with your child to make sure they understand why they are getting a spanking, you've made sure that you are not angry while administering the punishment and you then have paddled their butt, be sure that you love on them. What we always did with our kids was give them a couple of minutes to cry it out (After all if they aren't crying then it didn't hurt and you didn't do your job right.) then we would have them come to us, we'd dry their tears and together we would pray and ask God to forgive them for what they had done wrong. After that we would love on our kids which let them know that we loved them so much.

Spanking, when done correctly takes about five minutes and helps to train the child in making the adjustments necessary so that they can become the productive member of society that they need to be. And if this is begun when they are little, then by the age of 8 - 10 you usually will find that you won't have to be spanking much at all. I've heard just about every argument against spanking a child, but none of them lead children where they need to go as well as using a paddle and following a designated plan. Well, there's that, remember be your kid's friend, but also their parents, because they need you as a parent now, the friendship will come later.