Being A Knight Ain't Easy

In an attempt to get at what is going on in my heart today, I'm going to share a little bit of me and who I am with you. It is my hope that you will come to understand how none of us have it all together, or for that matter even really know what is going on all the time.

~ Sir David

I'm not one for feeling that I have to always have it together, or know what is going on. Some people that I've met over the years seem to have this inane way of acting like they have it all together, all the time. Can I tell you that that is really just a very pitiful existence. I say that, because truthfully we cannot have it all together all the time, and if we think we do then we are just fooling ourselves.

I endured a somewhat melancholy day yesterday, spending a good portion of my day alone. Now, being alone is not a bad thing, and I do enjoy it from time to time, yet for some reason it was a tougher day by myself than usual. For a while now, I've pondered my place in the story that God is telling and have found a little success in realizing where I'm at in it. But most of my days are still spent wondering what it is that God has for me in the bigger scheme of things. What I wouldn't do for a little bit more clarity each day.

Yesterday was a rough day in that I spent a good deal of time thinking of my kids, and how they are growing up so fast. My oldest will be graduating high school in a couple of months, and I was looking through pictures for my bride to use in our home school Co-op's yearbook. Of course there were pictures of all three kids, some from events I was a part of, and others that I was not.

There was one set of pictures of me, Cheryl and the kids taken in a park somewhere. It was probably somewhere around ten years ago, and we all looked very happy. That was the nice part of seeing the pictures, the smiles on all of our faces and the fact that we looked as if we were having a good time. The worst part of seeing those pictures, is that I have no memory of us doing that. It's as if I was there, but not really.

And that is what really sparked the sadness I felt yesterday. I felt like I was the "shadow dad", the guy that goes to work and makes money so that his family can live comfortably, but never really shares anything of who he is or the strength that God gave him to use for his family. It is as if there was a period in my life that I had checked out, not really been there for my family, and that makes me sad.

Now I know that if you were to talk to my bride and kids they would tell a different story, but I know the places in my heart where I didn't give myself fully to them, and that is a hard place for a man to walk. That is a lonely place, the one called the valley of the shadow of death, penned by King David in Scripture. And in case you think this is a pity party, it's not, it is reconciling the past and desperately learning from it so that I can teach others what not to do.

I think that if a man does not admit where he has missed it to himself, and to some degree how he has missed it, he will never fully become the man that God intends him to be. After all, how can you be that man if you are unwilling to look at past mistakes and try to grow from them? If you act as if you have never done anything wrong. We all sin and fall short of God's glory, to say otherwise is to be a liar. Do we live in that wrongness? Absolutely not, but we do have to admit to ourselves and our families that we did make a mistake, and do everything in our power to make it right.

I often wonder why it is that when I've made a mistake with my family, I will act as if nothing has happened, and try to move on as if everything is okay, without ever making amends with them? What is that in me that makes me think if we sweep it under the rug everything just becomes hunkie dory? I mean after a while don't you begin to see a giant hump in the middle of the carpet, and then you have to deal with it anyway? Wouldn't it be better to handle the situation, get it resolved and continue on? Yeah that makes sense now, but usually when I'm in it, things never seem that clear to me.

And it all falls back to that thinking that I have to have it together, I have to be the "go to" guy for everything, and make others think I've got all the answers. It's playing the poser, the guy I want everyone to see and like, not the true me. The true me; that guy feels unsure of himself, scared, and wonders on most days just what exactly is going on. That's who I am most days, and let me tell you it ain't easy. Yet I will face the day once again, and get out there, trusting God because that is what my Father wants me to do, trust Him.

Let's get 'em up folks, and go whip something for the Kingdom today!