It is late right now, 12:49 am to be exact. That's late for me anymore...must be the fact that I'm almost 47 now. I opened a shoe store in 1992, and there were times that I would be there until 3 or 4 in the morning, go home and crawl into bed, then get back up and have the store opened at 10 am. I'd do that for days on end, whenever I had things that needed to be done but I had been unable to do them during the day while helping customers. Now I find myself wanting to be in bed by 10 pm. I truly have become a wild and crazy guy.
I just finished watching the movie R.E.D. with Bruce Willis. I really enjoyed it too! I found myself kind of identifying a little bit with his character in this movie. I mean he's retired, and is trying to find a way to fit in now...that's kind of how I've been feeling for the last 6 months. Ever since my youngest son, Noah died, I've been trying to find out how I fit in the big scheme of things again.
The things that use to mean so much to me, now have no real lasting meaning at all. Things that I use to give a lot of time and attention to, now just don't have the appeal. It's been a really interesting journey for me to say the least, one that I really hope no one else ever has to travel.
I guess I just wonder if the things that I poured myself into really matter any more, and with that do I matter anymore? Now don't read into this anything other than what it is...the late night ramblings of a man home alone with his thoughts. I find myself becoming more and more philosophical the older I get. What I mean by that, is that I ask myself a lot more questions now than I did before. It's just what I do, and it helps me to get clarity...most days.
I am a good husband, a good father, a good friend...really I am a good man. I don't say this to toot my own horn, I'm just stating a fact, one that tends to get muddied in the day to day grind. It's something that I have to remind myself about daily, because the mud that is slung my way in the form of thoughts, can make me doubt things that I know are true. You might say that by reminding myself of the truth, I clean the window to my soul.
Well it is now 1:01 am, and my eyelids are actually drooping. If I stay at this too much longer I will need to pull out some toothpicks to prop them open. Suffice it to say, this has been much more for me the writer, than you the reader. If you've taken the time to read this, thanks. I hope you weren't too disappointed...Shalom, and goodnight.
1 comment:
Very insightful! Perhaps after waking up EARLY and reading your post...I'm feeling a bit philosophical myself... I'm getting to the point on the road that you've already traveled and just realizing it for myself. I too once stayed up late worked 24/7/365 and have recently started asking questions of myself as well. I'm not as bad as I use to be in that regard but I could do better
Amazingly, I'm starting to find more and more its really about relationships! Something I've taken for granted for many years. Like they say, the only thing you can take to heaven with you is people. None of the things here will be there.
In order to take people you have to be able to relate to people; have compassion for people; enjoy people; work with people...probably most of all, care for people. Unfortunately, through many hurts in my life I have found this challenging BUT I am overcoming. I don't allow too many people to get very close to me; causing my sphere of influence to be much smaller now days.
I really appreciated your kind words at lunch yesterday...that was not only unexpected BUT it was genuine and really touched me. It's seems that as people we can tend to speak our "christian-eeze" language at the appropriate time and place to make people feel good and then move on our merry way.
However, I have appreciated getting to know you more through our fun times at Roaring River. I think the real thing for me was that you've always been the Dave I'm seeing now (maybe slightly different) ...I just did not allow myself to get close enough to see it 5 years ago...what a shame.
We move on though through life learning lessons about people, places and things and as we grow older really do start to appreciate the relationships and "small things" in life.
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