I felt the need to write something today, it's been quite a while since I've written anything. This blog is something I do to help me, a form of therapy if you will. If you choose to read it, thanks, but know that I'm writing it to try and figure some things out that have been running through my head for a while now.
You may or may not know my story, so let me give you the "Cliff Notes" version of what has been happening with me for the past three years. Three years ago in April of 2010 my youngest son decided in a moment of extreme emotional duress to take his own life. Being called home by my daughter to find him dead on his bedroom floor changed my life to say the least.
After that day, things that I once found important just weren't any more. I found myself back at the shoe store listening to people agonize over their decisions on which pair of shoes was going to make their lives better and truthfully I just wanted to scream at them, "It's a pair of bleeping shoes! It doesn't really matter at all!" I began to see in people this reality of things that so many people thought important, and I just couldn't stand it.
I would hear people talking about what they wear, where they live, what they do for vacation or how the car they chose to drive is so important and would make their lives better and think, no, what would make my life better is if my youngest son weren't dead. Material things literally took a back seat to anything else in my world, and being forced to listen to people talk about material things and how important they were to them would just piss me off.
As time passed, people moved on with their lives. I'm not bitter about that, I fully understand it, but for me it seemed like time began to slow and even stand still. Little things would remind me about Noah, and I'd be right back at the day of his death. I never got mad at God or anything like that, I would just find my emotions back in that day. It was like being in some type of a loop that would replay over and over again. I'd go so far, think things were getting better and then bam! I'd be right back on the floor praying to God to bring my son back from the dead.
What was problematic for me was that the grace of God carried me through the initial grief and pain to such a degree that I have never known, that I really thought I was over and past all of the heartache and suffering that my son's decision had brought to me. It wasn't too long after Noah died, that I left the shoe business. It wasn't in the way that I would have preferred, but none the less I found myself without a job and on unemployment and looking. I was experiencing another change in my life.
A few months later I accepted a job at a factory in town and became a part of the blue collar working class. My job has me there at 6 AM and staying sometimes as late as 8:30 PM. I put in long, hard hours in order to support my family. I don't complain about it, I'm willing to do whatever for my family, and am happy to do so. God said if you don't work, you don't eat, and that the man who doesn't provide for his family is worse than an unbeliever. So to work I go, and I thank God for the provision He is giving us through my job.
Another change that has taken place is that I don't get to spend nearly as much time with friends like I was accustomed to doing. This change in my life has left me feeling alone and at times having to fight off the bitterness that tries to consume me when I hear about all the fun things my friends are doing together, things I used to do with them. I'm happy that my friends are able to do things together, I really am. It's just tough to know they are out having fun together and I'm either at work or having to get to bed so I can get up and go back to work.
All this change in three years has brought me to a place of asking, "What's wrong with me?" I feel angry, sad or upset most of the time. I get mad at the people closest to me, and then just want to be left alone. I don't think I'm depressed, but do see the symptoms of it at times. It is a very strange place for me at this time in my life to say the least. I still do the things that I'm supposed to do; go to work, do things around the house, go to church, etc. but truthfully there are times when I want to scream and run away.
There have been so many times at church where I see that everyone is happy to be there and participating in all the activities that are going on, and I just want to throw up my hands and leave, thinking this is not for me. No one understands what I've been through or even am going through right now. It's really weird to be in a room of 400+ people and feel totally and completely alone. I've experienced so much change in the past three years, and it is taking its toll on me I'm afraid. Even the things that used to bring me joy, now aren't and that concerns me greatly.
Counseling is in my near future, and I am grateful that it has been provided for me and my bride, because I know that I for one really need it. I understand that change comes to everyone, I'm just ready for my life to get back to something better than it's been for the past three years. I know that I have something God designed me to do on this planet, and I want to do it, but lately it just seems like the wind has been taken out of my sails. I want my life to be better than it is right now, I'm ready for my life to be better period.
If you have made it this far in my ramblings, I'd like to ask that you pray for my family and me. We are not who we used to be as a family, we are different now. I know that God has us securely in His hands and is taking care of us, but knowing that people are praying for us really helps me at times. Thank you.
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