I was at church this morning listening to my Pastor teach, when he mentioned a story from the book of Numbers chapter 13. In there you will find the story of Moses sending the twelve spies to go in and check out the land that God had promised to the children of Israel. When he said that the Lord told Moses to choose out one man from each of the tribes to send, something went off on the inside of me, and I'd like to share it with you.
Take a look at Numbers 13:1 - 3: The Lord now said to Moses, "Send out men to explore the land of Canaan, the land I am giving to the Israelites. Send one leader from each of the twelve ancestral tribes." So Moses did as the Lord commanded him. He sent out twelve men, all tribal leaders of Israel, from their camp in the wilderness of Paran.
If you know the rest of the story, the twelve men spent 40 days spying out the land and found that it was indeed a great place, and everything that the Lord had said it would be. The thing that jumped out at me this morning was the fact that each of these men were leaders. They were not your run of the mill guys, they were leaders of their tribes, and when they returned they reported to Moses about how the land was as great as God had said. They had great things to say about the land, yet, that was not where ten of the men's focus was directed.
If you look at verse 28 you will see what the ten were actually focusing on. Numbers 13:28: But the people living there are powerful, and their towns are large and fortified. We even saw giants there, the descendants of Anak! Back in verse 22 it said: Going north, they passed through the Negev and arrived at Hebron, where Ahiman, Sheshai and Talmai - all descendants of Anak lived. (The ancient town of Hebron was founded seven years before the Egyptian city of Zoan).
That last part in parentheses is interesting to me because Abraham (the father of the Israelites) had lived there and probably knew some of the descendants of Anak. This is important to me, because they are stating a fact, but one that really is irrelevant to their report because I'm pretty sure they had heard stories about father Abraham living in Hebron. In other words the descendants of Anak were not unknown to them, nor was this a pertinent fact. Instead of focusing on the goodness of God and what He had for them, ten of the twelve spies chose to focus on the challenges before them.
The stories in the Bible were given to us as examples for us to learn from. What most people miss is how this and other stories relate to their walk as a Christian (myself included). Let me ask you, are you a leader? Before you answer no, let me assure you that you are. Oh, you may not run a church, or a fortune 500 company, but each one of us is leading someone, if it is only to conclusions. Our lives are on display, and the things that we do and say matter. People are watching us to see how we will react, and what we will do when the challenges of life arrive. Just like the millions of Israelite people were watching those twelve leaders to see how they would react. When the ten said that the promised land was not attainable, the masses followed their word instead of God's.
Life is full of ups and downs, and victories and defeats but it is in our attitude where God works miracles. I heard it said one time that we don't have to take care of supernatural, that's God's department. All we have to do is the natural part, and God will take care of the rest. What happened in this story is the leaders forgot the supernatural that God had already done for them, and focused solely on the natural. Their "buts" got in the way. How about you? Are you spending more time focusing on the buts in life or on the God who overlooks the buts and leads us to victory?
Monday, May 27, 2013
Too Much Change Is Making Me Think What's Wrong With Me?
I felt the need to write something today, it's been quite a while since I've written anything. This blog is something I do to help me, a form of therapy if you will. If you choose to read it, thanks, but know that I'm writing it to try and figure some things out that have been running through my head for a while now.
You may or may not know my story, so let me give you the "Cliff Notes" version of what has been happening with me for the past three years. Three years ago in April of 2010 my youngest son decided in a moment of extreme emotional duress to take his own life. Being called home by my daughter to find him dead on his bedroom floor changed my life to say the least.
After that day, things that I once found important just weren't any more. I found myself back at the shoe store listening to people agonize over their decisions on which pair of shoes was going to make their lives better and truthfully I just wanted to scream at them, "It's a pair of bleeping shoes! It doesn't really matter at all!" I began to see in people this reality of things that so many people thought important, and I just couldn't stand it.
I would hear people talking about what they wear, where they live, what they do for vacation or how the car they chose to drive is so important and would make their lives better and think, no, what would make my life better is if my youngest son weren't dead. Material things literally took a back seat to anything else in my world, and being forced to listen to people talk about material things and how important they were to them would just piss me off.
As time passed, people moved on with their lives. I'm not bitter about that, I fully understand it, but for me it seemed like time began to slow and even stand still. Little things would remind me about Noah, and I'd be right back at the day of his death. I never got mad at God or anything like that, I would just find my emotions back in that day. It was like being in some type of a loop that would replay over and over again. I'd go so far, think things were getting better and then bam! I'd be right back on the floor praying to God to bring my son back from the dead.
What was problematic for me was that the grace of God carried me through the initial grief and pain to such a degree that I have never known, that I really thought I was over and past all of the heartache and suffering that my son's decision had brought to me. It wasn't too long after Noah died, that I left the shoe business. It wasn't in the way that I would have preferred, but none the less I found myself without a job and on unemployment and looking. I was experiencing another change in my life.
A few months later I accepted a job at a factory in town and became a part of the blue collar working class. My job has me there at 6 AM and staying sometimes as late as 8:30 PM. I put in long, hard hours in order to support my family. I don't complain about it, I'm willing to do whatever for my family, and am happy to do so. God said if you don't work, you don't eat, and that the man who doesn't provide for his family is worse than an unbeliever. So to work I go, and I thank God for the provision He is giving us through my job.
Another change that has taken place is that I don't get to spend nearly as much time with friends like I was accustomed to doing. This change in my life has left me feeling alone and at times having to fight off the bitterness that tries to consume me when I hear about all the fun things my friends are doing together, things I used to do with them. I'm happy that my friends are able to do things together, I really am. It's just tough to know they are out having fun together and I'm either at work or having to get to bed so I can get up and go back to work.
All this change in three years has brought me to a place of asking, "What's wrong with me?" I feel angry, sad or upset most of the time. I get mad at the people closest to me, and then just want to be left alone. I don't think I'm depressed, but do see the symptoms of it at times. It is a very strange place for me at this time in my life to say the least. I still do the things that I'm supposed to do; go to work, do things around the house, go to church, etc. but truthfully there are times when I want to scream and run away.
There have been so many times at church where I see that everyone is happy to be there and participating in all the activities that are going on, and I just want to throw up my hands and leave, thinking this is not for me. No one understands what I've been through or even am going through right now. It's really weird to be in a room of 400+ people and feel totally and completely alone. I've experienced so much change in the past three years, and it is taking its toll on me I'm afraid. Even the things that used to bring me joy, now aren't and that concerns me greatly.
Counseling is in my near future, and I am grateful that it has been provided for me and my bride, because I know that I for one really need it. I understand that change comes to everyone, I'm just ready for my life to get back to something better than it's been for the past three years. I know that I have something God designed me to do on this planet, and I want to do it, but lately it just seems like the wind has been taken out of my sails. I want my life to be better than it is right now, I'm ready for my life to be better period.
If you have made it this far in my ramblings, I'd like to ask that you pray for my family and me. We are not who we used to be as a family, we are different now. I know that God has us securely in His hands and is taking care of us, but knowing that people are praying for us really helps me at times. Thank you.
You may or may not know my story, so let me give you the "Cliff Notes" version of what has been happening with me for the past three years. Three years ago in April of 2010 my youngest son decided in a moment of extreme emotional duress to take his own life. Being called home by my daughter to find him dead on his bedroom floor changed my life to say the least.
After that day, things that I once found important just weren't any more. I found myself back at the shoe store listening to people agonize over their decisions on which pair of shoes was going to make their lives better and truthfully I just wanted to scream at them, "It's a pair of bleeping shoes! It doesn't really matter at all!" I began to see in people this reality of things that so many people thought important, and I just couldn't stand it.
I would hear people talking about what they wear, where they live, what they do for vacation or how the car they chose to drive is so important and would make their lives better and think, no, what would make my life better is if my youngest son weren't dead. Material things literally took a back seat to anything else in my world, and being forced to listen to people talk about material things and how important they were to them would just piss me off.
As time passed, people moved on with their lives. I'm not bitter about that, I fully understand it, but for me it seemed like time began to slow and even stand still. Little things would remind me about Noah, and I'd be right back at the day of his death. I never got mad at God or anything like that, I would just find my emotions back in that day. It was like being in some type of a loop that would replay over and over again. I'd go so far, think things were getting better and then bam! I'd be right back on the floor praying to God to bring my son back from the dead.
What was problematic for me was that the grace of God carried me through the initial grief and pain to such a degree that I have never known, that I really thought I was over and past all of the heartache and suffering that my son's decision had brought to me. It wasn't too long after Noah died, that I left the shoe business. It wasn't in the way that I would have preferred, but none the less I found myself without a job and on unemployment and looking. I was experiencing another change in my life.
A few months later I accepted a job at a factory in town and became a part of the blue collar working class. My job has me there at 6 AM and staying sometimes as late as 8:30 PM. I put in long, hard hours in order to support my family. I don't complain about it, I'm willing to do whatever for my family, and am happy to do so. God said if you don't work, you don't eat, and that the man who doesn't provide for his family is worse than an unbeliever. So to work I go, and I thank God for the provision He is giving us through my job.
Another change that has taken place is that I don't get to spend nearly as much time with friends like I was accustomed to doing. This change in my life has left me feeling alone and at times having to fight off the bitterness that tries to consume me when I hear about all the fun things my friends are doing together, things I used to do with them. I'm happy that my friends are able to do things together, I really am. It's just tough to know they are out having fun together and I'm either at work or having to get to bed so I can get up and go back to work.
All this change in three years has brought me to a place of asking, "What's wrong with me?" I feel angry, sad or upset most of the time. I get mad at the people closest to me, and then just want to be left alone. I don't think I'm depressed, but do see the symptoms of it at times. It is a very strange place for me at this time in my life to say the least. I still do the things that I'm supposed to do; go to work, do things around the house, go to church, etc. but truthfully there are times when I want to scream and run away.
There have been so many times at church where I see that everyone is happy to be there and participating in all the activities that are going on, and I just want to throw up my hands and leave, thinking this is not for me. No one understands what I've been through or even am going through right now. It's really weird to be in a room of 400+ people and feel totally and completely alone. I've experienced so much change in the past three years, and it is taking its toll on me I'm afraid. Even the things that used to bring me joy, now aren't and that concerns me greatly.
Counseling is in my near future, and I am grateful that it has been provided for me and my bride, because I know that I for one really need it. I understand that change comes to everyone, I'm just ready for my life to get back to something better than it's been for the past three years. I know that I have something God designed me to do on this planet, and I want to do it, but lately it just seems like the wind has been taken out of my sails. I want my life to be better than it is right now, I'm ready for my life to be better period.
If you have made it this far in my ramblings, I'd like to ask that you pray for my family and me. We are not who we used to be as a family, we are different now. I know that God has us securely in His hands and is taking care of us, but knowing that people are praying for us really helps me at times. Thank you.
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